I did not want this - but I cannot control the events unfolding around me.

Anne reconnected with a friend from her high school days back in February.  Over the course of the following months things deteriorated rapidly around here.  I got a Sprint bill for $953 - she only had a 300 minute text messaging plan and she went WAY over - all texts to this guy friend she reconnected with...

She started going out several times each week - she started drinking, she started smoking - she started partying.  She started lying about where she was - and when I asked why she would lie to me she just said, "I don't know, Matthew."

I found pictures of her making out with her girlfriends - hot and heavy action - she started swearing a lot more in every day casual conversation.  She lost 30 lbs - she ordered tons of sex toys online - she changed some personal grooming habits (use your imagination) - and nothing I could say would get me any answers. 

I played it cool - I didn't pester her - she went and did her thing and I stayed home with the girls.  But in early June I suggested counseling when I discovered some messages she sent to this other guy - they had crossed over the line.  Even if she wasn't having a physical affair she was certainly having an emotional one.

We went to three marital counseling sessions - the counselor did not even scratch the surface - he spent those three sessions just collecting background information about our lives - from childhood to adulthood.  But we did touch on the fact that I was uncomfortable with Anne texting this guy 4732 times in 30 days - yes...that's the actual number as the Sprint account is in my name.

Anne said they were just good friends and that I should trust her (she didn't know I found the secret messages they were sending each other).  The counselor suggested that Anne set up an event where I could meet her good friend - this way I might feel more comfortable once I got to meet him.  That was the end of our marital counseling.

We returned home after the counseling and Anne said to me:

"I want a divorce.  I don't want to hurt you Matthew, but I haven't been in love with you since we had the kids.  I never meant for this to happen.  I just want to be single again.  I don't want to have to answer to you for anything.  I want to come and go as I please - I want a fresh start - I just want this to be over"

Needless to say I was devestated - that was July 27th.  I spent several days...well, the next two weeks actually...crying, freaking out - feeling like I was in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from...

We have been married 10 years - together 12 years - I thought we would grow old together.  I couldn't fathom this happening.  I wanted answers - I wanted to know why - but she could only say, "I don't know, Matthew"

Eventually she said, "Ok, you keep bothering me about this.  I don't want to hurt you...but you keep asking.  I am tired of being married to someone who marches to the beat of their own drummer.  Why can't you just be a normal guy.  You knit for Christ's sake.  What kind man knits????  And then you do that spinning thing.  I wanted to just scream at you when you told me you were going to shear some sheep and alpacas so you could spin your own yarn.  Really Matthew...what kind of weirdo does that shit???"

I asked if that was all...it wasn't.

She said, "You play the guitar...that's fine. But then you play that Native American flute...YOU AREN'T EVEN NATIVE AMERICAN (yes, she yelled that).  Why can't you just have a normal hobby like watching sports like every other guy.  Oh, and you wear that retarded kilt.  I don't even want to be seen with you.  Between that beard you had and that kilt I just wanted to die every time someone saw me with you.  My friends ask me how I could even be seen with you!!!"

That stuff really hurt - and I told her that.  I told her I thought she was being very shallow.  I told her I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer - I have always tried to live life passionately and with purpose - and that she knew that about me when she met me. 

She said she didn't want to with someone like that anymore.  She just wanted to be on her own.  That was the day she cut me off emotionally and physically.  I remember it very well because the next day before leaving for work I said, "I love you"...she said, "Ok"

The most devestating part - the kiddos.  They didn't deserve this -

She agreed to shared physical custody - I am saving up to move out - we haven't worked the details out about who will get what - how we will split assets and debt. 

Right now she is living her life - she comes and goes when she wants - she doesn't tell me where she is going or when she will be back.  She even came home drunk last week - and she wanted to fool around.  I told her no - she tried hard to get me to do it - but I wound up having to put my foot down - I asked her if this meant she wanted to try and reconcile - she said "no.  I just want to have sex"  I told her that I can't play with my heart and my emotions like that. 

So we live like housemates - she told me she was tired of being defined as a mother and a wife - she wants to be who she wants to be and not what other people see her as....

I know she is having some sort of life crisis - and I am still treating her with the utmost respect and kindness - but it is over - she has reiterated it over and over again to me.  And while I am still reeling from the way it happened - I am not as surprised entirely.

We've been sort of separated for a few years now.  I have bent over backwards to make her happy - but I didn't know she had all of this angst and confusion growing unchecked inside of her.  She hated my beard - she hated my hobbies - she hated my sunny outlook - she hated if I was happy when she was unhappy - she hated so many things about me as a person - I just didn't want to believe it...but I knew.

So I continue to do what I have always done.  I cook, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, mow and trim, take care of the animals, take care of the girls - whatever needs to get done gets done.  I do this not for her - but for my girls and for me.  When I am out of the house in a month or two, she will see all of the things I did around here - because she will have to do them herself.

It's been three weeks - it still hurts deeply - but the tears aren't coming all day long anymore.  They aren't even there every day.  I am staying strong for my girls and for myself.  I know it is going to be sooooo damn hard when I have to move out - and when I only get to see my girls for half the week (we will have equal custody - time split 50/50).  I am starting all over - I am taking a path I did not choose - I am taking a path that was put before me.  And you know what - it will suck for a while - then I will move on and be stronger. 

I know there will be days where I cry myself to sleep - but there will be days full of laughter, love and joy around the corner as well.  I believe this with all my heart.

I actually got a lot done today despite the weather - but it happened early in the day...before the tornados.

I picked up 6 cu. ft. of potting soil and drilled holes in the two large planters - foliage planted successfully.

I also spent about an hour tearing the central air conditioner apart to fix it - air conditioner repaired successfully.

I also purchased my ticket for my flight back to PA for Memorial Day Weekend.  I am going to meet my father for the first time on Sunday - It is something I really want to do.  I am flying in myself...although I would have loved to take Gwyneth in with me. 

Speaking of Gwyneth - she turned five years old today.  She is growing up too fast!

I will be in PA for four days - well, actually only 3 days since one of those days I will be driving in to New Jersey to meet my dad.  All of my friends have moved away from my hometown - so I will just spend some time with my mom and sister.

As for today...there were a dozen or so tornados that hit all over the place - the closest was probably 10 miles away.  There was a giant wall cloud, hail, torrential downpours, thunder, lightning, the blaring tornado sirens (they sound like air raid sirens) all day long.  Or as we call it...Spring in Kansas.

I got to listen to some good music today.  Sometimes, when I am alone, and it is a lazy, stormy Sunday...I like to light some candles - put on some good music - and just listen to the storm, watch the lightning, and enjoy the music.

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs - this is not the official video for the song - there was never a video made - this is just some video that someone set to the music.

Iron & Wine - Fever Dream

Some days her shape in the doorway
Will speak to me
A bird’s wing on the window
Sometimes I’ll hear her when she’s sleeping
Her fever dream
A language on her face

I want your flowers like babies want God’s love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come

Some days, like rain on the doorstep
She’ll cover me
With grace in all she offers
Sometimes I'd like just to ask her
What honest words
She can’t afford to say, like

I want your flowers like babies want God’s love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come